“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.” (Carl Jung)
2019 seems to have been the year of introspection.
I have been going REALLY internal lately, taking a few steps back to notice and observe my patterns, habits and thought processes.
I have been re-evaluating all of the choices which have led me to this exact moment.
Examining parts of myself I deemed ’too scary’ or ‘too weird’ or ‘too much,’ and really allowing my self judgments to be re-written.
And it can feel REALLY yucky, scary and confusing at times.
Who actually enjoys bringing attention to the parts they work so diligently to cover and hide from themselves and the world?
I admit, I have been one to sweep these parts of myself under the rug, only to have an unexpected dust storm blow them back up in my face, usually in the most inconvenient moments.
What if we stopped hiding these parts? What if instead of pushing them down inside, we allowed them to rise to the surface, embracing each part with love and acceptance?
(You may be thinking, ‘easier said than done,’ right? Well… sort of.)
How do we become the most REAL, honest, genuine versions of ourselves?
Not through hiding, not through ignoring, not through only focusing on the parts we are proud of.
For the longest time I felt like something was missing. I had this emptiness inside of me, and I couldn’t quite figure out the origin of this constant dull ache that seemed to be coming from my heart.
Instead of going ALL the way into that feeling, I would usually choose to stay in the safety zone, going just deep enough to uncover and heal the things I was comfortable with, without having to get down to the nitty gritty of my pain (it would eventually have to dissipate, right?).
This bought me some time.
I would do some healing, feel a teensy bit more free, then coast for a bit… until that thing that I wasn’t addressing would pop up again… and again… and again.
I was doing myself a major disservice by refusing to go all in.
Life can get really busy, and it doesn’t usually seem like the ‘right time’ to open up old wounds.
For many years, even though I was ‘working on myself,’ I didn’t have the capacity to dive deep. I didn’t have it in me to really look at myself with honesty and non-judgment. I did what I felt necessary (whether consciously or not) to survive…keeping my emotions ‘under control’ enough to feel ‘normal.’
Ignoring our shadows only perpetuates them.
To truly LOVE ourselves, we must be willing to witness and accept who we are being in any given moment.
Who am I when I am scared?
Who am I when I am in love?
Who am I when I am hurting?
Who am I when I am triggered?
Who am I when I am overwhelmed with joy?
Who am I when I am in a room full of strangers…
…or in an intimate group of my closest friends?
Some days, I feel certain of who I AM. Others, I have absolutely no clue.
What I DO know is that I no longer subscribe to this idea that my darkness is ugly, my feelings are not valid, and my voice does not matter.
I am letting go of this idea that it is unsafe to show my depth.
I am embracing ALL of my parts, and learning to see them as beautiful and unique.
Today, I say YES to being ME.
What are you saying YES to today?